My Friendly Dog Doesn't Have to Like Every Dog

Okay, I really need dog owners to hear me on this one.

I consider myself a pretty friendly person. I like people. I enjoy talking to people. I can be social.

I absolutely do not like every person I meet.

And nobody thinks that's weird.

Nobody looks at me and says, “Well, Debby clearly wasn't socialized properly.”

So why in the world do we expect something different from our dogs?

A friendly dog does not have to like every dog they meet.

They don't have to want to play with every dog. They don't have to want every dog in their face. They don't have to be excited when a strange dog comes running toward them.

And saying no to an interaction doesn't suddenly make your dog unfriendly, poorly trained or unsocialized.

Sometimes they just don't want to meet that dog.

And that's okay.

“Don't Worry, He's Friendly!”

We've all heard it.

Usually while a dog is barreling toward you and their owner is somewhere in the distance yelling:

“It's okay! He's friendly!”

Okay.

But what if my dog doesn't want to meet your dog?

Your dog's friendliness doesn't automatically give them permission to enter another dog's space.

Think about how ridiculous that would sound with people.

Imagine I'm walking through a park and some stranger comes sprinting toward me, gets inches from my face and starts touching me.

And somebody yells from across the park:

“IT'S OKAY! SHE'S FRIENDLY!”

Great.

I'm still going to need her to back up. 😂

We understand personal space when it comes to humans. I think sometimes we forget that dogs can have preferences and boundaries too.

A Well-Socialized Dog Doesn't Have to Greet Every Dog

And really, should they even want to?

Somewhere along the way, I think we've confused being well-socialized with wanting to visit with every dog.

They're not the same thing.

A dog who sees another dog on a walk, checks in with their person and comfortably keeps moving is showing exactly the kind of skills I want to see from a well-socialized dog.

Because socialization isn't about teaching your dog to interact with everything around them.

It's about helping them become comfortable in the world around them.

There's a time and a place for playing with other dogs. Some dogs are absolute social butterflies and genuinely love meeting other dogs. That's perfectly fine too.

The point isn't that your dog shouldn't want to say hello.

The point is that wanting to say hello isn't what makes them well-socialized.

Our dogs don't need to interact with everything in their environment to be comfortable with it.

They can notice another dog.

They can see a squirrel.

They can hear a strange noise.

They can experience something new.

And through all of that, they can still check in with you and comfortably move through their environment.

That's what I consider successful socialization.

Choosing not to interact with another dog doesn't make your dog unfriendly, poorly trained or poorly socialized.

Honestly, I think being able to comfortably walk past another dog without needing to interact is a good thing.

If they want to say hello and both owners and both dogs are comfortable with the interaction? Fine.

But they should never feel like they have to.

And really...

Why do we expect them to?

My Dog Shouldn't Have to Tolerate Your Dog's Poor Behavior

This one might ruffle a few feathers.

Sorry, not sorry.

My dog should not be expected to tolerate your dog's bad behavior.

And honestly, most of the time I'm not even blaming the dog 100%.

Dogs are going to dog.

They're going to get excited. They're going to want to investigate. They're going to make questionable choices.

It's our job to teach them, manage them and prevent their excitement from becoming another dog's problem.

I have absolutely told people, “My dog is aggressive,” just to get them to keep their dog away from mine.

Even when my dog wasn't aggressive.

Why?

Because sometimes I'm working with my dog and I need their focus on me. Maybe they're still learning how to comfortably walk past another dog without feeling like they need to interact.

While they're learning, it's my job to give them enough space to actually be successful.

Think about it this way.

You wouldn't plop a kindergartner down in the middle of a playground, hand them a math worksheet and then wonder why they're having trouble concentrating.

That's not fair.

Sometimes we're asking essentially the same thing from our dogs.

We're trying to teach them how to stay connected with us while another dog is running toward them, getting in their space or desperately trying to play.

And then when our dog can't handle it perfectly, somehow our dog is the problem?

No.

If I'm teaching my dog, I'm going to do everything I can to set them up to succeed.

And sometimes that means telling another owner:

“No. My dog doesn't want to say hi.”

Advocate for Your Dog, Even If It Feels Rude

Here's the part I really want dog owners to hear.

You are allowed to advocate for your dog.

If another dog is running toward yours and your dog doesn't want that interaction, you do not have to stand there politely and hope everything works out.

Say something.

“Please get your dog.”

“My dog needs space.”

“Do not let your dog come over here.”

And if they're still not listening?

Get louder.

Sometimes I've had to go beyond asking. I've stepped between dogs. I've used my body to create space. I've even spun the end of my leash in front of me as a visual barrier to discourage an approaching dog from coming any closer.

The goal isn't to hurt or scare another dog.

The goal is to keep that dog from getting into my dog's space in the first place.

And if I've already told you to get your dog and you're not listening, I'm going to do what I reasonably can to protect mine.

At that point, I'm not worried about whether you think I'm rude.

And honestly, it's not fair to the other dog either.

That dog may just be excited. They may genuinely want to play. They have no idea that the dog they're running toward doesn't want that interaction.

Now we've put both dogs in a bad situation that didn't need to happen.

And do you know how many videos I see online of dog fights that start exactly this way?

One dog comes running up. The owner is yelling, “He's friendly!” The other dog clearly isn't comfortable with what's happening, and within seconds everything goes sideways.

So many of those situations never needed to happen in the first place.

One dog is being asked to tolerate an interaction they didn't choose, and the other dog has been allowed to run straight into a situation they don't understand.

That's not fair to either dog.

This is our job as the humans.

We should be preventing the problem, not standing back and waiting to see how our dogs handle it.

Because:

Your dog shouldn't have to escalate their behavior because you were afraid to escalate yours.

I'd much rather be the one saying, “Get your dog away from mine,” than wait until my dog feels like they have no other option but to growl, bark, snap or defend their space.

And then suddenly my dog is the problem.

No.

Your dog shouldn't have to stick up for themselves. That's your job.

We Need to Stop Measuring Good Dogs by How Much They're Willing to Tolerate

This might be the biggest thing I want you to take away from this entire post.

We need to stop measuring “good dogs” by how much they're willing to tolerate.

Somewhere along the way, we decided that the dog who lets every strange dog get in their face is a good dog.

The dog who lets every stranger pet them is a good dog.

The dog who puts up with everything without making a fuss is a good dog.

But what happens when they don't?

They're unfriendly.

They're difficult.

They're reactive.

They're “bad.”

That's just plain not fair.

Dogs communicate with us all the time.

They move away. They turn their head. They avoid something. Their body changes. Sometimes they growl.

And I think sometimes we're so focused on getting the behavior we want that we completely miss what the dog is trying to tell us.

That doesn't mean our dogs get to do whatever they want.

They still need manners. They still need training. They still need to learn how to live safely in our very human world.

But I do think that relationship goes both ways.

I expect my dogs to check in with me, and I'm constantly checking in with them.

I want their attention. I want them to look to me when they're unsure about something. I want them to trust that I'm going to help them navigate whatever is happening around us.

But if I'm asking them to listen to me, I have to be willing to listen to them too.

I can teach my dog how to comfortably exist around other dogs without requiring them to interact with every dog they see.

I can help them through new experiences while still paying attention when they're telling me something is too much.

And yes, I absolutely expect good manners from my dogs.

I just don't think good manners should mean:

“Put up with whatever another dog does to you.”

Because a good dog isn't a dog who tolerates everything.

And your dog doesn't have to prove they're friendly by tolerating someone else's poor behavior.

Your Friendly Dog Is Allowed to Have Opinions

At the end of the day, this really is pretty simple.

I'm friendly.

I don't like every person.

And your friendly dog doesn't have to like every dog.

Dogs have personalities. They have preferences. They have good days and bad days. They have dogs they enjoy and dogs they'd probably rather never see again.

Sounds pretty familiar, doesn't it?

So yes, socialize your dog.

Train your dog.

Teach them manners.

Help them become confident enough to move through this big, weird world with you.

But don't confuse being a “good dog” with being a dog who lets everybody do whatever they want to them.

And the next time somebody says:

“Don't worry! He's friendly!”

Remember:

That's great.

My dog still gets a choice.

We Can Do Better for Our Dogs

I know I'm probably preaching to the choir with some of you.

If you've made it this far, there's a pretty good chance you're already the person saying, “Nope, my dog doesn't need to say hi.”

But not every dog owner knows this.

And honestly, I don't think most people who let their dog run up to another dog are trying to cause a problem.

They probably genuinely believe:

“My dog is friendly, so it's fine.”

They just haven't learned yet that their dog's friendliness is only half of the equation.

That's why I talk about this stuff.

The more we understand our dogs, the better we can do for them.

So if you know another dog owner who could use this message, share this with them.

Not to shame them.

Not to tell them they're a bad dog owner.

Just because sometimes we don't know what we don't know.

And the more dog owners who understand that friendly doesn't mean entitled to an interaction, the safer and more comfortable we can make the world for all of our dogs.

Frequently Asked Questions About Dog Socialization

Does my dog need to greet every dog?

No. Your dog does not need to greet every dog they encounter. Being able to notice another dog, remain comfortable and continue moving with you can be a very successful interaction.

Does my dog not liking other dogs mean they weren't socialized properly?

Not necessarily. Dogs have individual preferences just like we do. A dog choosing not to interact with another dog does not automatically mean they're poorly trained or poorly socialized.

What does a well-socialized dog look like?

For me, a well-socialized dog is comfortable moving through their environment. They can experience dogs, people, sounds, movement and new situations without feeling like they have to interact with everything around them. I also want my dogs to be able to check in with me when they're unsure.

Can a friendly dog be selective about other dogs?

Absolutely. Some dogs are social butterflies. Others are much more selective about the dogs they enjoy interacting with. Neither personality automatically tells you whether a dog has been properly socialized.

Should I let my dog greet other dogs on walks?

It depends on the dogs and the situation. If both dogs appear comfortable, both owners agree and it's an appropriate place for an interaction, a greeting may be perfectly fine. But dogs do not need to greet each other simply because they've crossed paths.

Is it okay to tell another owner that their dog can't say hello?

Absolutely. You are allowed to advocate for your dog. “No, thank you,” “My dog needs space,” or “We're not saying hello today” are complete answers.

What should I do if another dog runs up to my dog?

Your priority should be creating space and keeping the situation as safe as reasonably possible. Call to the other owner, move away when possible and advocate clearly for your dog's space.

Most importantly, your dog shouldn't have to wait until they're growling, barking or snapping before you step in.

Your dog shouldn't have to stick up for themselves. That's your job.